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Cornell

1.  The girl who shows up to class in pearls

This person is the overachieving snooty, rich girl who  came from one of the elite feeder schools that sent five of her other high school classmates here. She treats every class like it’s a marathon, taking notes down in ridiculous fashion. She think she’s the smartest person one in the room and often contradicts the professor. Don’t try to collaborate with this person because you will likely get screwed over.

2. The Frat Star

This person didn’t come to this fine Ivy League institution. His greatest skills include shotgunning Keystone and playing pong with his bros on Club Soccer. He most likely is living in a townhouse his first semester throwing his own bangers, but when 2nd semester comes, you better believe he is rushing Thumpty.  Don’t be surprised if this person takes 6 years to graduate.

3. The Engineering Nerd

This is a student who rarely leaves the habitat of his dorm except to attend class or role-playing clubs. On the rare occasion that this person isn’t studying, they are listening to classical music or playing Destiny 2 on Xbox. You will almost never see this person at a party (or even outside). Jokes on us, the engineering nerd will be making more money than all of us after graduation.

4. The ILR Student

This is the student that just has way too much time on their hands. Only having to take 4 classes that combine for 12 credits for the first semester, these students spend much of their time wondering what they should do with their free time. They constantly have to defend their major to fellow Cornell students who don’t believe in the legitimacy of the ILR major. Don’t sell the ILR student too short, they could be working in the HR department of your office in the future.

5. The Pseudo Premed Student

This is the person that brags about how they are going to be a doctor and go to Harvard Medical School after graduation. Once they take Organic Chemistry during the second semester, they will be weeded out of the pre-med track and transfer to ILR or the Hotel School. I guess they won’t be going to Harvard Medical School after all…

6. The person who complains too much about prelims

Although they usually don’t get a lot of work or have many prelims to take, they make sure to let the whole world know about them when it’s prelim season. They hear all of the engineering and premed students complaining about work and hop on the bandwagon to not feel left out. While complaining to the world about all the work that needs to be completed, in reality, this person is watching Netflix in the dorm just like the rest of us mere mortals.

7. The Tinder Hoes

This person came into freshman year a virgin, but he sure made up for it the second he stepped foot in campus. By the end of the semester, this person will have hooked up with a double digits amount of people on Tinder . The Tinder Hoe has accomplished more in the bedroom than most people have their entire lives. The majority of this person’s hookups are with Ithaca College students as most respectable Cornell girls want to be wined and dined by gentleman. The Tinder Hoe may or may not have an STD and he has likely gone to Cornell Health to be tested. Watch out for this guy.

 

 

 


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Nico Sommer


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