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1. You have killer calves.

The hills, slopes, and endless campus make you so toned that, well, your legs are just GORGES. If you ever find yourself feeling down about yourself, just think about your gloriously toned calves, those spectacles of nature glinting in the sun. And alternatively, if you ever find yourself in a hostage situation, you’ll definitely be able to kick your captors hard enough to escape.

Hey, someone should start a “best calves” competition for the Ivy League.

2. You have a pile of quarter cards sitting somewhere in your room.

“Just got back from taking a shower, and—would you look at that!—a quarter card just fell out from behind my ear. Sometimes, you just want to scream in frustration because you dont know what to do with all those quarter cards. Those quarter cards are ruining my life, you say. Maybe you could use them to start a fire during the cold Ithaca winters. Or perhaps you could jump in a pile of colorful quarter cards come autumn as a nice substitute for fallen leaves.

3. You strangely identify with hockey.

Your neighbors from the Great White North are often said to love hockey, so it’s weird that—oh wait. Ithaca is basically Canada outside of Canada. Hockey is just one of those things for which every Cornellian has a deep-seated pride. The only problem is that the season pass is so expensive, and the big games are so full, that you will never get the chance to see your team beat everyone else. Sigh. It’s such a tough life, going to a school that’s so great at hockey.

4. You have an addiction to abbreviations.

You want to head up to RPCC? Actually, first, let’s stop at your D-O-R-M in CKB since there’s A/C, and then let’s go over to CTB for a little S-N-A-C-K. Not to mention that the names of classes are abbreviated (BioG 1440 anyone?). And so are the meal points, aka the BRBs. (aka!) And what about the NetIDs? Arent those abbreviated as well? And here we go again: ID. Why not say identification instead of ID?

Dont ask me; I go to Cornell.

5. You have tried to smuggle fruit from a dining hall.

“Hey do you think they saw me take an extra banana? “Nah, I think you’re ok for today. “My, aren’t I daring. True. Its one of those things that could be considered the elephant in the room. Lets face it: the fruit stacks are disappearing alarmingly quickly, and the number of suspicious faces in the dining hall are increasing at the same rate. The only logical conclusion? Well, lets keep it the elephant in the room.

6. Your love of ice cream has intensified.

“Look! There’s the Cornell Dairy sign. You immediately start drooling, kind of like one of Pavlov’s dogs, minus the tail. Cornell ice cream is one of the only reasons you bought the unlimited meal plan instead of the 7 meals-per-week plan. Every time you try to resist going for another scoop, you just break under the pressure and get twice as many scoops. You cringe knowing that you had ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today. It’s a tough life, the life of a college kid/near adult.

7. You automatically assume everyone is either an engineer or a biology major.

Rumor has it that everyone’s major at Cornell can be guessed within three tries based on randomness alone. If you do decide to guess strategically though, the key is to start with engineering, then biology, then a last guess based on the appearance of the person. For instance, if a person is wearing a pin on his or her shirt that says “English majors suck,” then you can guess with 99% accuracy that your person is a math major. But there’s always the plant science majors, who catch you completely off guard and amaze you with their uniqueness. Take a picture with them, because who knows: somebody, they’ll reach unicorn or celebrity status with their rarity.

8. You celebrate Bill Nye even more than before.

“Science RULES Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!…” Bill Nye the Science Guy is your best friend. Other greats like Kurt Vonnegut, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Andy Bernard (from The Office) have attended Cornell, but hey—maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you. BILL NYE attended the same school you’re at, and that validates your choice to attend Cornell. Continue making the right choices, you Cornell student. And remember, “Inertia is a property of matter.

9. You see someone you’ve never seen before every day, and then you never see them again.

“Hey, don’t I know you? “No, but I probably look like the last person you saw and then forgot. “Touché, fellow Cornellian. Its not all bad though; you feel like a part of something bigger when you realize there are so many people on campus. (Side note: Its really awkward when someone greets you with a huge grin and open arms, and you just stand there stupidly, trying to remember where the two of you met. [Pro Tip: kick said person with your killer calves, make a run for it, and never look back. Congratulations, you just avoided an awkward situation.])

10. You could not look at the cover of the orientation guide without laughing.

I mean, an oversized bear wearing a striped hat and riding a tiny rollercoaster is not exactly the opening scene to a serious documentary. Engineers are probably laughing for a different reason though“that rollercoaster setup is just not possible,” they might say.

The cover’s pure majesty will land it a place in a famous art gallery someday. Here’s to hoping that next year’s cover makes everyone a) laugh harder and b) visit more art museums.

11. 90% of the people you’ve spoken to come from New York, New Jersey, or California.

Like #7, rumor has it that everyone’s home state can be guessed within three tries based on randomness alone. Unless you’re from Cambodia or something. In which case your hometown is not in fact an American state. Pro Tip: Want more quarter cards? Ask all the people you meet if they’re from [insert stereotypical country based on person’s appearance]. That way, you’ll have plenty of people mad at you, which means quarter cards being thrust at your face as punishment!

12. You love elevators.

You fear you get too much exercise from campus trips and therefore must cut down on said exercise by minimizing your walking and becoming lazy. The logic is flawless, but sometimes the elevators are farther away than the stairs. You dread both walks and so pick the stairs. (Good, now you get to work those calves again.) Yes, as college kids, we have hit a new low.

 


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