The UMass football season is here! With the first home game at Gillette this coming weekend (Sept 19th) and the first official Amherst home game at McGuirk right around the corner; here are the 10 types of people you are bound to run into at the tailgate and in the stadium. Included are some helpful tips that will give you an advantage if this is your first College Football experience here at UMass Amherst. You’re gonna wanna trust me here.
1. The Alumni that has WAY too much school spirit.
Oh every University team has these, but UMass can be the worst. Nothing screams, “My life sucks, I wish I was still in college” than a 43 year old guy drinking an entire 30 rack of Busch Lite out of a UMass koozie wearing UMass Football shirt, sweatshirt, foam finger, under a UMass tent, etc… You get the picture. Usually these guys come in groups; you can usually spot them from the over decorated tailgating area, or the obnoxious Winnebago decorated in team colors. He most likely got a second mortgage to pay for it. Word to the wise, especially to freshman (girls) you will get cat called. Just accept it; you’re all these guys have going for them now since UMass rarely wins a game. If you want some free beer and good show bring your friends around and gather round for the glory day stories.
2. The Pink Hat:
Ah the good ole Pink Hat. What’s a Pink hat you might be asking? Well, if you’re asking, you probably are one. They are usually a girl first of all. First of all, they know nothing about the game of football and they think they do and usually try way too hard to learn. They usually give you the excuse “oh I know number (pick a number), he plays linebacker; or something juvenile along those lines. Yeah you know what I’m talking about; its usually girl that claims this dude is in her COMM 101 class and they talk every day so they’re “best friends” and that’s why she goes to the game. You can usually pick these girls out of the crowd very easy. Usually they are taking selfies of their face paint wearing almost no clothes whatsoever, and their names usually end with a “Y”, “I”, or “E” (Katie, Bri, Melanie, Tiffany, ETC). Note to freshman girls, if you want to make friends and not look like a fool, don’t be one of these. Ask your fellow “regular fan” or “if it weren’t for my bum knee” guy (See below) and learn the game of football before ever stepping into a football stadium again. Pink hats are like the herpes of football fans; no one likes them and no one likes to admit when they are one.
3. The guy/girl who just comes to tailgate and get drunk:
“Hey are you going to the game this weekend? How you getting there? Who’s driving you? Ready to get f*&%ed up?!” These questions are usually asked the Monday before the game. Oh and yes, these are one of my favorites to run into at the tailgates. 99.9999% of the time this friend can out drink you any day or night. He/she will be the first one to demand shot gunning a beer as soon as the gates open for tailgates, which is noon. I’m not here to tell you that shot gunning beers before the game is bad. I’m here to tell you that spending too much time with this character will inevitably lead to you not even making it into the stadium because you’ll be hammered at 1 p.m. when the game kicks off at 3. Now this guy/girl has their advantages; usually they bring way to much beer and will just get drunk and offer you some. Also they will probably be the loudest fan in the stands, which is good because there usually aren’t many fans at Gillette Games. The bad news about this character is they will probably end up on the news for being arrested at the game for being way too drunk and yelling obscenities to other fans.
4. The extreme pickup football guy:
At tailgates it’s very popular to get some pickup football going between classmates. Guys and girls have been seen playing some extremely clean, sometimes sloppily drunk, pickup football. Hey nothing wrong with this, it’s all fun and games until this bro shows up and just takes it to the next level. His name is usually Tyler, Alex, or even Zach. This jackhole loves to pretend he’s Randy Moss in his prime (ladies look that name up if you don’t know it, don’t be a pink hat). He will be the first one to try and get a pick-up game going and once it starts all rules of two hand touch go out the window. It turns into full on broken ankles and stiff arms into the tender breasts of your girlfriend. When called out for his over physicality and competitiveness his first response is usually somewhat along the lines of “This is football not soccer!” or “She shouldn’t be playing then!”. Don’t be this guy, all boyfriends and people alike think you’re a massive tool. No, you’re not impressing the ladies, they could care less that you can catch a football thrown about 8 MPH by a barley sober classmate. When you spot this fellow, my best advice to you is to stick to your beer drinking, lawn games, and socializing. Your body and temper will thank you.
5. The “If it weren’t for my bum knee” guy:
We all have met someone like this before. Not to be confused with the “extreme football guy”, this character is usually a combination of #1 and #4 but is actually one of the more popular people to spend tailgates with. Besides his constant rambling of how he somehow got hurt in the “Big game” in high school or whatever Junior College he attended. Along with how he was supposed to be recruited by UMass or some other University to play football; this guy usually knows a lot about the game of football. That being said, ladies (especially pink hats), you can learn a lot from these guys. So just nod and agree when he tells you his sob story, then hand him a beer and ask him what the “Red Zone” means and why it’s so important. You will learn a lot about the game of football since these guys LOVE taking about how much they know. If you are this guy, just give it up, no one cares that you hurt your knee and gained 60 pounds of beer weight now that you don’t work out. Saying you were “supposed” to play D1 football does not get you in bed with any girl.
6. The Supposed College Football Genius/ Buzz Kill:
Now that you’re in a big university you’re bound to meet a college football genius. This guy wanted to go to a University where College Football is relevant (Ex. Ohio State, Florida, Alabama, Michigan, and Notre Dame) but couldn’t get into any and had to settle on UMass Amherst. This guy owns probably at least 5 college football jerseys, and none of them being UMass. To him the NFL is boring and college ball is where it’s at. He will throw statistics at you that make no sense. “Well Jamal Wilson had lucky charms for breakfast and you know that’s his favorite so he will easily throw for 300 yards today. Factor in him getting a B- on his Stats test this week and getting laid yesterday; I think we are in for a big win today.” Nothing annoys me more than this guy. He doesn’t even wear UMass apparel, instead he will wear one of his many college football shirts and just talk smack about how crappy UMass football is. The dude is an absolute buzz kill to be around. Typically a Ben, Joe, Cody (with a C), these guys are ones you want to avoid if you’re looking to have fun. If you hang out with one of these guys already, do yourself a favor and just avoid answering his texts that usually start off with “Sup Bruh”. No one wants a Buzz Kill who has no school pride; no matter how crappy your football program is.
7. The cranky tailgating neighbors:
Now since UMass Amherst is not the best school when it comes to Football, you are definitely going to run into some fans who are there to just watch the game and despise underage drinking and tailgating. I have one thing to say to you about these types of people. If you have the misfortune of parking next to these poor bastards, do yourselves a favor; go offer them a beer and when they reject it with a rude remark go and drink your face off to annoy them. Just kidding, not a good idea. I have had friends get in trouble because their cranky Mr. Wilson tailgating neighbor (Denis the Menace) called security on them. So what you really should do if you get unlucky because you showed up late and have to park next to these heartless people is call up your buddies and find out where their tailgating. 9 out of 10 times, wherever they are is going to be will be 10 times better than where you are. Tips on avoiding these soul suckers, is: Show up early, ask your buddies where the good tailgate is, and don’t go to games alone. The worst thing a college student can do is go to a tailgate without a game plan. If your neighbor asks you to “Calm down”, you know it’s time to move the party elsewhere and STAT.
8. The Hot Head or Debbie Downer:
This is usually the guy who has a girlfriend and for some stupid reason he is absolutely miserable. He’s a combination if #3 #4 and #6, but every group of friends has one of these guys. It’s usually happens to be a Devon, Jeff, Bob, Nick, or Josh. He will most likely be sitting alone or just being extremely quiet next to his girlfriend. Now being the good friends that you all are; I’m sure you will go over and offer him a beer and to play some games. His response usually will be a long heavy sigh; followed by an attitude filled response that somehow connects to his girlfriend. For example: “why don’t you ask Stacy if she wants to play corn hole with you, she’s been wanting to be your partner all day”, or something petty along those lines. We’ve all had these before, and my advice to you is just to walk away beer in your hand and his girl in the other. No just kidding don’t do that, just don’t be the one to set him off, because he will go off. And we don’t like to encourage fights here at UMass, but if you’re going to be a dumbass who gets into a drunk altercation with some fans of the opposing team, you will want this guy on your side. Why? Well he’s probably as sober as a 12 year old school boy and will probably do all the fighting for you. Keep this guy around for safety purposes, just don’t bother trying to cheer him up.
9. The Super Fan:
This guy loves attention and will do anything to get it. He is probably wearing some stupid outfit or holding a ridiculous sign praying to get his 15 seconds of fame on ESPN. Even though the chances of any UMass football event getting on ESPN, is rarer than a nip slip at a first communion. Upon entering the stadium he is already chanting “Go! Go U! Go UMass! Go! UMass!” and will never sit down or shut up. It will be 63-0 and he will be on his feet yelling at people to put their rally caps on. Don’t be this guy, chances are you will never get laid ever again; unless by chance there was a nip slip at your first communion, and you end up on ESPN for your ridiculous shenanigans. The chances of you getting nachos thrown at your head are 110%. Do yourself a favor super fan guy; cheer as long as you want until the game is so far out of hand that you just look stupid. Leave the stupid outfits and signs at home in your trunk full of stuffed animals; no one wants to see that.
10. Your Average UMass Minuteman Fan:
This is what everyone should strive to be at a UMass football game and tailgate. Only wearing one article of UMass apparel, knows how many attempts there are to get a 1st down, has the perfect beer buzz, partakes in lawn games instead of pickup football, doesn’t recall his past football memories, only cheers for the school he/she attends, surrounds themselves with like-minded individuals, is in a great mood, and doesn’t take it over the top. These are the best people you can surround yourself with at games. Even though you definitely will meet the 9 other types of people listen, at least you’re now well prepared. So go enjoy the games and be on the lookout for these types of fans; they are always a sight to see.
GO MINUTEMEN! #WinTogether