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University of michigan cheerleader 1

Before reading, please know that this is a satirical article! Enjoy! 🙂

1. Students are Ashamed to go there

You constantly hear people saying “Go Blue” or yea I am a wolverine. Honestly, it is a wonder how people even know what they are talking about. Especially since you never actually hear the words “I go to University of Michigan” come out of their mouth.

2. There is NOTHING to do.

Students get tired of going to the 50 different restraunts around Ann Arbor. Not to mention the 10 minute walk to the line of shops, movie theaters, and river is brutal after a long day of classes. Don’t even get me started on the walk to the ice skating rink, basketball court, or football stadium. It is almost too much to handle.

3. School Spirit Doesn’t Exist

During game days students will never wear anything other than maize and blue. Their faces scrunched up making the face paint crack, and the smile lines too pronounced. I mean who has time to pick out a different color?

4. It is TOO Small

Michigan feels like the smallest thing in the world. With everyone referring to each other as friend, friends, or hommie, it gets to feel like 40,000 is really 40. You can’t go anywhere in Ann Arbor without seeing a Michigan sweatshirt, or worse, a maize hat.

5. You will go Hungry

If you are gluten free, vegetarian, or vegan you will have nothing to eat there. The Farmers market only has meat tomatoes, farm fresh corn for meat lovers, and broccoli for Mongolian beef. Don’t even get me started on the gluten free/vegan bakery that has food you won’t even want to go near.

6. Clubs don’t exist

I was involved in stuff at my high school. So when I went to UM I thought I would be able to do the same. No way. I could not find a single club in the 1500+ clubs that appealed to me. From Accapella to intermural sports to social Greek Life to snowboarding club, I was at a loss.

7. Not a Job in Sight

I was gleefully learning how to make coffee, training as a local barista. However, now I have to actually go to my real job after college. Minimum wage is just a distant dream for my future U of M graduate self.

8. Hate Speech is Common

I felt constantly victimized at UM. I was told that people respect my opinions. I was called on in class when I had an opinion. My friends even had the audacity to listen when I spoke. It was weird, especially since “expect respect” was a campaign that started on this campus.

9. No Diversity

I wanted a school that was all white, all upper class, and only from Michigan. What I got was a school that represents all 50 states, all ethnic backgrounds, and over 140 countries. I mean who would want that?

10. Not Famous

I know for a fact I wanted to go to a school without anything notable about it. Certainly not a school that had James Earl Jones as an alumni. I would hate to be able to see him come speak at graduation, or even worse, Lucy Liu.


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