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lecture 5: Motivation

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PSYC 471
Richard Koestner

Sept 19 - we need to disengage from unattainble goals Objective: to understand why unrequited love occurs and what it can teach us about goal-striving; to explore research on goal disengagement - why does unrequited love occur and how is it experienced by the would-be lover and the rejecter? - Baumeister - romantic passionate love that is felt by one person toward another person who feels substantially less attraction toward the lover (a relatoinship fails to form). - clip from the Bachelor: there's a difference in perspective between the pursuer and the pursuee - both getting and receiving a rejection is difficult. - in most cases, we persist even when we can't have something. this diminishes our immune system - we're more likely to fail to invest in other, more reachable goals. - unrequited love is very likely in college - he asked a bunch of college students to describe a situation of unrequited love from the experience of both people - he only used the people who have been in both roles, which changes the way people think about people who end up being an unrequited lover - unrequited love should not be thought of in terms of personality but in terms of roles and what characterizes them - what really qualifies as unrequited love? a breakup where one person wants to get back together is not that. one where you never tell the other person is also not unrequited love. - there's a difference between Koestner's study and Baumeister's, possibly because it was done 20 years later with a 2 year window instead of a 5 year one and there are only co-ed dorms in first year. - why does it happen? falling upward (we will generally be drawn to the maximum romantic person (largely because of physical attractiveness, but other things are important), and sometimes people will choose others who are out of their league. if you select a partner who is more attractive than you, then you'll likely be unrequited), intrusion of romantic feelings into a platonic relationship (when we're forming friendships, we dont' choose our friends based on attractiveness levels. when we spend a lot of time with someone, we develop feelings of intimacy. unfortunately, one person might like it to go further (usually the less attractive of the two)), transition from casual dating to serious, possibly exclusive romance (standards for casual dating vs standards for exclusive relationship). - example: Average Joes in Hawaii. there's a beautiful bachelorette and they pull a bunch
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