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Lecture 9

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McMaster University
Social Sciences
Geraldine Voros

Canadian Children March 8, 2011 Movie about Kids and Death Father, sister, brother, mother, ill and succumb to death so how do we recognize their grieveing process? They need to tell us how they feel we can‟t tell them  Asked to describe the weather on the inside and the weather on the outside  Age appropriate way they will contribute  Use talent as a vehicle of expression  As adults we have a well developed sense of self; we have coping strategies so we may not need to speak to it like kids would need to  Lots of emotions attached to grief o Worry, guilty, irresponsible o Describes how they are feeling and how much amount of sadness, or guiltiness, or anger etc. that they have (pie chart)  Hear other children not appropriating their voice but tell him what they feel happened (i.e. wrong place at the wrong time)  Look at the Mr. Rogers approach o Discharge the very emotional problem for him so that hey can somewhat feel less responsible  Mother talks about being left behind and so do the kids o Kids didn‟t want to go to the cemetery because they needed time to unfold and know what happened  Intellectual knowledge and emotional knowledge o To understand the facts is one think but knowing it emotionally is something else o Putting these two together is something different o We can rationalize that it is natural process and we haven‟t been abandoned and we know that the person is not there any longer but putting the emotional there together for children isn‟t easy o They think emotionally more than intellectually  There is a difference between chronological time (the boys will get older) and psychological time is something much more unpredictable  See that the children are still being kind of nervous and uncomfortable talking about this  Is there something that we can do that is fire prevention instead of fire protection  Told us that “I would not have known what to feel if my father didn‟t tell us that” o Said the mother will find someone else Impact Of Expectations On Self Esteem •the tragedy of the lost self  child needs to become themselves  be curious venture, make decisions; don‟t want them to be hollow persons and die psychologically  respect their individuality  We shouldn‟t force things upon them Fair Expectations  Questions that assess whether expectations are fair or not.  Children‟s confidence should be in what they are not in fantasies.  Don‟t want children to be hollow. Want confident adults with courage in their own conviction. •Inventory of Questions 1. Why do I have this expectation? 2. Where did it come from? 3. What is in it for me? 4. Is it based on my needs or my child‟s? 5. What purpose does it serve? 6. Does it realistically fit this particular child at this age & with this temperament or background?  Become important questions to ask because we need to know what we do and the purpose it serves.  Are our expectations realistic. Do inventory of child and ourselves. Weed out blind expectations. Not being happy in your own life, you are straining your child (check and balance of ourselves)  Do they apply to a fair manner for the child  Be honest with ourselves  Hinges on the capacity that you can confirm yourself; take a long hard look at any self deficiencies that we may have so that we can put in a correction factor to help share to our children How Is It A Child‟s Self Esteem Built  All children should feel that they are valuable simply because they exist •Genuine Encounter  focused attention  In presence of child, we are all here for child; Direct involvement with child o Says‟ “I care”  Nourishes self respect in the child  Programmed for inner presence and we must give them this not presents  Let them know they are priority; ear mark enough time so that you can have that booster shot of time; have ear mark time each day (bedtime story or cookies and milk after school etc.)  When children are under stress, need us there and need encounter time  „fire prevention‟ •Trust  respect the child‟s ways  build amicable relationship between ourselves and them  keep promises; Avoid unpleasant surprises  support child in adventures, tell child when leaving and coming back  avoid mixed messages o body language at odds with words confusion causes them to second guess themselves and will take ownership for issues; instead use age appropriate response to tell them what happened o over-permissive home; real world has boundaries and must be set; some of the most unhappiest children come from these homes; wipes out the safety of trust o watered down messages; soft petal emotions and feelings to fit our image of an adult; if you are adult with high self esteem, you don‟t deny feelings, must teach children about this  not about what happens to you its about how you handle it •Nonjudgmental  how we speak to children tells us if we have high or low self esteem  reacting or judgmental to situations  parents will judge, making this judgement will put up a negative mirror; but we want a positive mirror  Nurturing children is being a reactor  Stop being judge and react; instead of saying “your impossible” say “you don‟t want to argue and you want to work on this constructively”  Benefits of the “I” statements o Praise is better than punishment o Positive labels (i.e. good and nice) vs. approval directed towards their acts (i.e. I like what you did here) o Must not have to question worth as a person, unconditional love must always be visible to child (still need to know that sometimes we don‟t like what they do) o If child‟s worth is dependent on what they do, personal value is subject to what has been done (subject to cancellation with every failure) •Being Cherished  children survive on acceptance but don‟t blossom on it  Children must feel cherished, valued, respected just for there; shouldn‟t take them for granted  We need to go inside our own dysfunction to see why we may respond to child by yanking them; Must critically think rather than go along with knee jerk response  Don‟t want to promote p
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