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Lecture 6

Lecture 6 Oct 24th.docx

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McMaster University
Social Sciences
Geraldine Voros

Social Science 2O03: Canadian Children Oct. 24 2012 Lecture 6: Hurried Children Concluded & Self-Esteem Introduced Hurried Children (con’t) - Tragedy of the lost self (con’t) o How does this lost self come about?  5 most common ways we can hurry kids  Pseudo-sophisitication (last lect)  Imaginary audience o Talking about kids who think about themselves in a very self- focused way  Very caught up with who and what they are  Think that others are thinking about them to that equal extent o Almost a mental rehearsal  If I do a what will others think? o Characteristic error that others are as caught up in their lives as they are  Consequently they impart that others are as concerned with their appearance and feelings as they are  This is why they need new shoes every school year – what would people think?  Held hostage by the opinion of others o So hurried kids are living to meet the expectations of others  Of the imaginary audeicnes  If they get all upset about not fitting in with new shoes, we might say “oh who cares” o But we can’t underestimate how they feel. If the situation is real to them, it is real.  Got to have the Mr. Rogers’ approach:  Always spoke to the intrinisic values in life – if your friend really is a friend would they be interested in whether you have the right lunch bucket or backpack?  Any rational child would say no way, friends should be friends and help eachother  This is material culture being discussed on an age appropriate level – discharging the emotions attached to material things  Achievement overload o Parents become very particular with their demands and expectations within the three domains  Expect kids to do well  To be well-rounded – good in all 3 domains o Who are the parents that are pushing the kids the hardest here/  Middle class fams  For 2 reasons o 1. They never achieved themselves  Want their kids to achieve so they can live vicariously through them o 2. They have achieved – but it was the hard way – took them a long time, involved a lot of sacrifice  Know that there is an easier way, and want their kids to do it the easy way o 3 variables to consider  The academic variable  Be the smartest  The interpersonal variable  Be the most social  The extracurricular variable  Be well-rounded o What you think will make them well- rounded is not necc what they agree with o Expecting too much – they are just kids  If you push too much and set too big of expectations, they usually rebel in teenage years  Pressure cooker – blow up one day  Need to be careful of what we do and how we do in tersm of achievement overload o Everyone wants a Gifted Kid  “Gifted kids” aren’t that good at university  Because everything came easy to them before, so they don’t know what it is like to have to do work  So the kids who did work hard in high school go on to grad school etc. – intense work that takes regular discipline, good time management and organization  Doesn’t matter about being gifted, all that matters is how hard you work  School hurrying children o Excessive normality o Factory management mentalitiy in the school now  Standardized testing etc.  Doesn’t seem to be working  Can make kid feel like not mattering  Schoolds/admintrators/teachers being under more pressure to be good educators  So try to keep their academic grades as up as possible o So we know kids can learnt he basics, but what ist he cost of learning the basics?  Kids are concerned more about the grade than about what they have learned or what they still need to learn  Numeracy  Grades become more important, then money  More about are we happy about our numeracy than are we happy about what we have learned, what we are able to learn o Issues with cheating  Speaks to moral development that has become corroded  More about the grades being important than about what you learned o Giving the factory management style,  Teachers etc. overloaded with paperwork – weekly goals and targets  Takes away from time left to interact with kids  3 important ingredients in teacher-student interaction o Student  Know that they have a certain level of intelligence that we are trying to polish  Kid may be endearing, maybe not – charisma  Kid has a certain amount of affection – are you attracted to engaging with them or no o Teacher  Have a certain degree of intelligence, of charisma, of affection for kids  Has to use the above to understand where the child is in terms of their ability to learn and how to overcome difficulty  Meaning you have to love teaching, love kids and love seeing them succeed – means you have to put in the time with them to get them to care to learn o Length of time that they are together  Like parenting – takes time to turn a kid around  Can be done, but have to maximize time spent with kid  Have to see kid as they really are, have to understand how to unlock their minds and make them viable for learning  Free floating anxiety o Sleeper effect coming full circle o Lots of kids today under stress – for some of them it is constant/chronic  Kids don’t have the best vocab, so they don’t have age appropriate language to explain how they feel  They are ready to explode if they cannot articulate how they feel o Restless in school o Irritable o Unable to concentrate on their work o Can’t tell you what the issue is o Often seen in families that Conway describes  Disharmony  Lack of support  On the verge of sep or divorce o Free-floating becasuse has this anxiety because of not knowing  Not knowing what will come next  Need to help kids in this issues  Parents can add stress to the child in these ways o Child as surrogate self  Living vicariously thru o Child as a status symbol  Parent doing C-C-Consumption  Making kid do expensive hobby  Hockey – buy all the best gear etc  Sending kid to expensive private school  Becomes a symbol of status due to materialism cult and CCC o In dual career families, child stressed with regards to time constraints  Kid has to adjust to the parental schedules rather than the parents adjusting to the kids sched  Can lead to burnout for kid  Limited powers and resources for that much adaptation  Can lead to chronic stress o Child as therapist  Child as a sounding board for stressed out parents  E.g. single parent mom working to support the kid  Very stressed and tells kid all about it o Child as conscience – as moral arbitrator  E.g. single parent asking a kid whether it is ok if her new boyfriend sleeps over  Or should I have an abortion?  Stuff like that is too much for kids – overload  How do we get kids to unload this stress? What can we do to help?  Movie on how kids who don’t have the vast knowledge with which to express themselves can experience a very adult situation and make sense if it in age appropriate language  “A child’s grief” – colour therapy clip o Colour therapy – how kids use a wheel of colour to draw on their feelings and emotions o Kids in this video have lost a loved one – grief o Kids have their own way of thinking, seeing and feeling  Need to speak about their distress o How to bring their feelings up to the surface – share and facilitate those kids  Colour therapy helps the kids explain to you what they are thinking of and why o Don’t tell kids what they are thinking – appropriating voice – let them tell you what they are thinking on their own o Distinction btw intellectual knowledge and emotional knowledge – can intellectually rationalize something logically but it is the emotional knowledge attached to it that makes it less stable  ^ 2 sep realtiies – the way you understand it with intellect, the way you understand it with emos  Intellectual knowledge is overcome by emotional knowledge for kids – mom has to have a little operation after dad died in the hospital – kids freak the fuck out. Emo taking over intellectual of it just being little operation, basically no risk o Chrono time vs. psych time – trauma can often arrest you at the age at which it occurs  E.g. Esther was emotionally arrested as a child – never dev the adult power and objectivity and sense of control – had to learn all of that  Chrono she is a 40 year old woman trying to understand her sexual abuse, psych she is a 13 year old. Therefore had to grow up emo to deal with it  Healing takes both of these times into consideration – can move away from it chronly, but have something trigger it psychly – be right back there o Tells us that kids understand  They may not be able to express it but they have within themselves an understanding of what is right, what is wrong, what is comfortable, what is not  Esther – when she felt uncomfortable with her body when her father started abusing her – didn’t know if it was right or wrong but it felt wrong – had nothing to compare it to in terms of, does this happen to everyone? When she started feeling like it was wrong, she went over to a friend’s house. Looked thru her screen door – put hands up to see thru – was looking to see if her house was like diane’s house – to see if what she was living was normal o Things kids do to try to understand  Begin to see in this video that there is no sociology of emotion  We don’t talk about feelings and what launches feelings and what is associated with feelings etc. o How do we get to understanding kids emos?  Therapist tells kids – draw a picture of what the whether was like inside and what the whether is like inside  Weather inside – how you feel  Weather outside – your enviro as you faced this grief  Let them draw their own picture – don’t appropriate o Wheel of colour used for a lot of diff contexts, but the whole point is – what are you feeling? o If you don’t appropriate – they will do it themselves  E.g. Kevin rollercoaster kid saw Red as sad, Blue as angry – that’s normally opp of what we would say. Let him do it his way. What does he mean by Blue? What does he mean by Yellow? o E.g. Ability to critically think about and understand what their father told them before he died  Told them his mother would meet someone else, hope they never forget him but they can learn to love another dad-figure  Kids say without this they wouldn’t know what to think if mom met someone new  Tells us that we need to put kids before us – not feeling guilty over us o Use this to discharge destructive emos  If someone witnesses our feelings of greif etc. then we feel them less intensely – have permission to deal to get over it and move on o Facilitation – bring in others who have lost – become like mentors  I lost someone, I got thru it, you will too o When we understand how niave kids can be  Sense of invulnerability  I never believed this could happen to me!  Impacts them even more when they have a generally drama free life  Need to deal with fact that yes it can happen to you o Show us how important fathers are to sons  Even though we talk about macho idealism with boys – have to be a man, can’t cry – they only get that thru socialization – boys are people too  Real emos involved  Don’t discourage emo Self-Esteem: What it is & How to build it - What we want for kids – Positive things (how to nurture kids in Conway) o Inner confidence o A sense of purpose o Involvement o Meaningful constructive relationships o Success at school o Success at work - What S-E is o If we were to read a book to kids about what S-E is and how to develop it, what would it look like?  “I Want Your Moo”  Winer and __, Barrigan  Animal barnyard  Toodles the Turkey didn’t l
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