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Lecture 7

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Social Sciences
Geraldine Voros

Social Sciences 2O03: Canadian Children Oct. 31 2012 Lecture 7: Self Esteem concluded & Dorais text & Intro to Consumerism Self Esteem Continued - Polishing Parental Mirrors (last lect) o Inexperience o Borrow standards o Cultural blueprints o Hurrying kids  Hangover wishes  Current hunger  Unfinished business - Impact of expectations on s-e o Kids really want to please their parents  Too high expectations  If they can’t live up to super high expectations – feel a failure  Lack of expecations  Child thinks – oh I probs couldn’t do it anyway  Neg def of their own abilities  Lack of faith – wipes out any sense of personal value that the child might have had o Have to have non-verbal valuing  Faith in their abilities met with reasonable expectations  I’m happy if you try your best, as long as you tried your best you have succeeded o Have to have a warm belief in the child  I believe that you can at least try  Being their cheerleader – being on their side  Warm belief that they are capable and that you are there to facilitate o Unconditional approval  NOT conditional  Oftentimes, parents only happy if child fits the blue print of expectation o Be as I need you, not as you need to be  Does not benefit them, the family, the country o Kids have to be who they are and excel in their passion (their excellence) o We need confident kids = confident adults o  Unconditionally value them, have faith and realistic expectations, warm belief in them  Courage of their own convictions – become who they really should be o Those 3 build a child’s confidence  Build their passions and abilities and shows what their real limits may be  Children supported that way are more likely to succeed o God isn’t finished with me yet – be patient!  Don’t force your kids to fit unrealistic expectations  Doing opp of these three  Creates a hollow person o Not being themselves, being what the adult wants them to be or what they think the adult wants them to be o Rejects who they are, what they have a passion for o Die psychologically o Unfair expectations  Can lead to tragedy of a lost self - Fair expectations o Questions to ask about your parental expectations:  Why do I have this expectation?  Where did it come from?  What is in it for me?  Do you have it to benefit you or the kid?  Is it based on my needs or my child’s?  What purpose does it serve?  Does it realistically fit this particular child at this age and with this termparment or background? o Can be very painful for adults to do this honest inventory  Find that we need to weed out the expectations that we are following blindly because they benefit us or because we are living vicariously thru them or because we want them to fulfill our dreams  Gotta ensure that their own expectations are being met by their own self – you are meeting your own needs as opposed to expecting your kid to meet those needs  Being a caregiver who nourishes from overflow, not from emptiness  Encourage parents to check their own level of s-e  Question their expectations  Need to hear what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear  Being brutally honest with yourself as an adult  Check & balance consistently - How is a child’s s-e built? o Comes from a nurturing love that is tender and caring  Values the child because they exist, not because of their abilities  Fully function child means quality of time over quantity  Boosting quantity of quality! o 7 building blocks of safety: o Genuine encounter  Focused attn.  Direct involvement  “all there” – not texting or anything  Giving presence, not presents  Don’t hold back, distance self from child  Don’t put self ahead of child  What it does for the child  Nourishes self-respect  Says that you care, you see them, you hear them and you are with them  Feeling loved  Know you are being genuine  Take at least 15 mins a day to be one on one with no distractions with kids  Family night or reading before bed, mother-daughter day etc.  Vital to kids s-e during peaceful time even more than during trying times  Because can build them up better for crises  Fire prevention vs. fire fighting o Trust  Begins with the adult  Need to be one who keeps promises – if you want to keep trust with your child  Avoid unpleasant surprises  Support positively new adventures  Yes this weekend we will ride bikes o Got to keep that promise and support as they try to ride bikes  Have to tell when you aer leaving and when you are coming back  Build this trust so kid will tell you when they are leaving and coming back when they get older  Builds a climate of safety and trust  How do we break trust as adults? All about mixed messages  What we say and our body language don’t match up o Say we are fine when our body language is clearly displaying something diff  Child takes ownership of the problem – it must be me  Having an over permissive home o Parents say – anything you want dear, however you want it dear etc. o Truth is – this is bad prep for the real world – people are not going to be 100% accommodating to you 100% of the time  In the real world there are boundaries  Home with boundaries/rules = happy kids o Negotiated – authoritative  Home without rules/boundaries = unhappy kids  Kids like knowing what the rules are  Watering things down o Soft pedalling emotions and feelings to appear to be a mature adult  “I’m upset but I’ll be fine” o But really, don’t have to deny feelings. Have to explain to kids in an age appropriate way  “Yes I’m upset. There is a problem, but we have a plan”  Showing that problems do enter your life – but you can be a problem solver  Gives kids security – you have ownership of your feelings – consider the kid someone you can speak to  Signals that you can manage your life if you follow these procedures  Feelings as legitimate but manageable  Book: Me and my Aunts o Girl talks about her pesky little brother and the aunts are like, yea I know that feel. o Nonjudgmental  A unique building block  Can articulate reactions or can articulate judgements  Articulating judgements o Holding up a negative mirror for the kid  Articulating reactions o Holding up a positive mirror  Should switch from judge to reactions  Difference o Can say to a child – you are really impossible  Judgement – a “you are” statement  Criticism  Shuts down the convo  Alienating  Abrasive o Can say to a child – I don’t like bickering with you, we should do __  Reaction – a “I feel” statement followed by a “we”  Engaging  Does not alienate the child  Opinion to be discussed with the participants  Beckons democracy with the we  Cooperative  Issues  What to do when a kid lies? o Judgement  You are a liar o Reactors  I can’t count on your words when they don’t match what you do  Feeling statements  Positive labels vs. approval labels  You are good and nice vs. I appreciate and I like what you do o You are a good person if you put these things away for me  Says you are a bad person if you don’t put these away  Telling the child that they have personal worth if they do something  Tied to a judging action  If you do __, then you are a worthy individual  Performance is what is valued – is what is worthy  Can’t develop a sense of worth if judging performance  Not unconditional love! o I appreciate it if you put these away  Says you are doing a good thing if you put them away o Being cherished  The acceptance of the individual  They are there, appreciated, cherished, valued and precious  Cherishing gets lost  Taking kids for granted  Getting into a routine and forgetting to show them how special they are  Add that to being very busy in life o Losing it – Shame kids when they do something bad when we are stressed out  Humiliate them or yell at them or something  Researchers – we wouldn’t do that to a friend, why do we do that to kids?  Cause we see them as ours  Treat them as property and not as people  When we lose it we need to look inside ourselves to our dysfunction  What did we do – why are we behaving in that way?  When we become abusive like that, it is because we have a lack of s-e ourselves  Child who feels cherished  Know that if they have a beh error or misstep, it doesn’t cancel out their loveability o May have their beh corrected, but they are cherished/loved/valued even if the beh is not  I love you, but I don’t like what you’re doing  Is very accepting of other people’s mistakes o Value other people, don’t necc like their beh o Owning feelings  Permitting kids to talk/feel freely – discuss with us  The blind man and the elephant story o 5 blind men are told to walk up and feel the elephant and tell people what it feels like st  1 grabs the tail – elephant is like a rope  2 grabs the trunk – elephant is like a giant snake rd  3 grabs the leg – elephant is like a tree trunk  4th walks into the elephant – elephant is like a wall th  5 feels the ear – elephant is like a big leather fan o All five are right, describing an elephant – but need to put it all together to get the full experience o When kids are out in the world and bring new information home, tell them that is another way of living/worshipping/dressing/eating etc.  See that our own way of doing these things is not the only way – there are other ways  Have to be open minded and sit down and talk with kids about what exists in the world – not just our way of thinking – there are other ways  Important to permit kids to have their own feelings and reactions  Book about finding memory o Giving her those things one by one o Diff meanings for diff things – if we have acceptance and negotiate an order, things can be fine o 96 yr old finding memory o Empathy  When we empathize with someone we are setting aside our world and entering theirs in times of crises  Agree to be there with them at that time  No judgements  Attitudes and feelings more important than facts  Respecting the integrity of the encounter – trying to find common ground of understanding  Free and easy talk for homes with kids with high s-e  Democratic interaction  Parents listen sincerely and with empathy o Kids then go listen to others in the same way o Unique growing  Like Leo the Lion, not everyone develops at the same pace  Don’t hurry kids – let them grow at their own pace  Maslow’ fully functioning person o Kids have pressures pulling on them too  Kids drawn to the safety of the known, while being pulled towards the excitement of the unknown  Each movement to the unknown requires letting go of something known – growing – can be scary!  Rule to remember is that it is safety first – kids will explore but gotta know they can go to caretaker for safety  Option of retreat without dishonour is important for kids Dorais Text - Not about individual testimony o About the facts  What have the researchers found  Policy etc. - Page 6- The definition of sexual abuse o Firstly…violence o The removal of clothing, sexual relations or touching btw people who are diff in age and power both physically and psychologically  Older manipulator  Physically and psychologically dominating - Page 17 - The reasons why boys are more reluctant than girls to disclose abuse o A number of reasons  Inclined to conceal their hurts (socialization – boys don’t cry)  Aware of prejudices where adults are less likely to believe a boy can be molested  Worry about stereotyping and stigma  People are gonna call them gay or faggot or whathaveyou  Masculine virility =/= being sexually abused  If you are really a man, you won’t be vulnerable or weak  Goes against the whole image of what a male is supposed to be  Boys encouraged more to explore their bodies/sexuality than girls  This encourages this kind of sexual encounter – men tell the boys they are molesting them so they know what to do with their wives  Perpetrators try to mix boys up  Perpetrator will ALWAYS have you derive some kind of sexual pleasure from it because they want you to be more messed up – feel this is wrong but it feels good?  Misunderstanding of how pleasure is supposed to work - Page 18 - Double Constraint o If they say something people may say they are lying – particularly if they implicate a family member  “I love them, they are doing something unacceptable, I can’t love a molestor, therefore you must be lying” o Afraid they will be blamed  You’ve done something wrong and you are just trying to blame the molestor! - Page 18 – Interiorization o Done repeatedly o Often a kid realizes this is incest, this is bad, but if I submit to it, my siblings are safe  Perpetrator says – if you don’t do what I say or if you tell someone, I will do this to someone you love  Rescuer mentality – esther - Page 19 – No Steps Taken (Re-victimization) o When victim tells – no one does anything  Mom says – I will speak to your father – don’t do anything  Older brother doesn’t do anything  Not enough evidence so judges drop the case o Flounder and are revictimized because people who should have protected them betray them again - Page 21 – Interview seen by respondents as liberating o Silence the perfect accomplice of those who abuse children - Page 21 – Different Types of Abuse o Intrafamilial – inside the home/family  Your blood o Extrafamilial – outside the family nucleus  People not related to you o Intergenerational – belonging to different generations  Someone of an older generation molesting someone younger o Intragenerational – between boys who belong to the same generation  Someone older within the generation molesting someone younger within the generation  E.g. 18 yr old molesting 13 yr old - Diagram o Esther was talking about this too  Said that there was a lot of intrafamilial incest in her family  Cousins/uncles/brothers ect. Perpetrating  Intergenerational in her family  Father and grandfather to her  Is the most common overall  Also intergenerational extrafamilial  Older pastor at her church to her  Sex abuse is most often people in your own family, not strangers o A model to tell us how many kids are actually abused and by whom  Intergenerational, intrafamilial most common overall  Intragenerational, extrafamilial least common overall  Some neighbourhood kid molesting you  More by heterosexuals than by homosexuals - Page 23/24 – Father-Son Incest o Turns the child’s way of imagining the world upside-down  When abuse happens, their reference of what life was comes into question  Is your father your protector who is supposed to love you or is he the enemy?  Mother-son identity comes into question too – will she help you? o The different ways father-son sexual abuse breaks the double taboo of incest and homosexuality  Suffered sexual abuse  Incest  Homosexuality  Layering of guilt – kid doesn’t know what to do  Dad is your touchstone of how to be a man – but now what? How to deallll? o Incestuous fathers sexualize their relationships with their sons. The victims of father-son incest related that the preliminaries to or the moments following sexual contact with their fathers constituted the only occasions on
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