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PHIL 105
Dai Heidi

Candide lives in the country home of the influential Baron Thundertentronckh inWestphalia Wed like to take this opportunity to give major props to Voltaire forcreative namesCandide is the illegitimate son of the Barons sisterCandides mother refused to marry his father because his lineage could not be tracedback sufficiently farThe daughter of the Baron and Baroness is a beauty named Cungonde who by ourcalculations is Candides cousin Apparently people didnt really care about that stuffback thenCandide is tutored by Pangloss a scholar of metaphysicotheologocosmolonigologyPangloss teaches that in the best of all possible worlds everything is ultimately for thebest and that every effect has a causeOne evening Cungonde and Candide meet behind a screen when leaving the dinnertable Cungonde drops her napkin and Candide picks it up for herThey share a kiss before Cungondes father catches them and flips out He banishesCandideCandide wanders penniless cold and hungry to a nearby town calledWaldberghofftarbkdikdorffTwo men ask Candide to dinner Innocently he acceptsbut it is clear to us at leastthat the men have ulterior motivesThe men lead Candide in a toast to the King of the Bulgars Then they bind Candidewith irons and conscript him into the Kings armyIn the army Candide is frequently beaten and mistreatedCandide is confused about why hes there Not in the philosophical crisis sense of whyare we here but rather a why am I getting beaten every day for no good reasonOne morning not realizing hes breaking a rule Candide goes on a walk by himselfHe is quickly captured and asked to choose between running the gauntlet thirtysixtimes or as they said back then six and thirty times or being beheaded HmmmCandide says Neither But the men say thats not one of the optionsSo in lieu of flipping a coin Candide decides to give this gauntlet business a shotAbout two gauntlets later Candide realizes that six and thirty is a lotRight as he is about to be beheaded the Bulgar King appears and instructs theexecutioners to spare Candide since it is obvious that he is a philosopher andcompletely cluelessThe King of the Bulgars goes to battle with the King of AbarsThe battle kills several thousand men on each side Throughout the battle Candidetries desperately to hide As soon as its safe to come out he desertsCandide wanders through scenes of horrible carnage which Voltaire so kindly informsus include arms legs and of course brainsCandide decides it is necessary now to devote some time to ruminating on cause andeffectHe wanders philosophically into another town and requests charity from a Protestantminister The man asks Candide to express his religious allegiance but Candide is onlyable to respond with Panglosss signature philosophical statements about cause andeffectThe ministers wife in a fit of rage dumps a bucket of human waste on CandidesheadAn Anabaptist named James sees the incident and offers Candide a change of clothesa meal and an apprenticeship in his rugmaking businessCandides faith in the world is restoredThe following day Candide sees a beggar with terrible sores which momentarilythreatens his newly restored faithCandide soon recognizes the beggar as PanglossCandide brings the weak and feeble Pangloss to the Anabaptists houseOnce revived Pangloss informs Candide that Bulgar soldiers ravished the Baronsmansion killed the entire family and raped and murdered CungondeAs they deliver and receive the news respectively both Pangloss and Candideperiodically faintCandide questions Pangloss about what could possibly have caused such a terribleeffect Hes still in the cause and effect campPangloss explains that he contracted syphilis from one of the servants in the Baronsmansion He traces his syphilis back toColumbuss discovery of the new world andinsists that without it Europe could never have benefited from the resources of thenew world such as chocolateThe Anabaptist moved by Panglosss story decides to pay to have him treatedAfter the medical treatment Pangloss is all betterThe Anabaptist hires Pangloss as his accountantTwo months later James the Anabaptist Pangloss and Candide travel by boat toLisbon on business In the midst of a speech by Pangloss on the indispensable nature ofsuffering in the best of all worlds the ship is caught in a terrible stormThe ship starts splitting and taking on waterThe people on the ship act accordingly that is they scream and run aroundJames the Anabaptist saves a sailor from drowning but in doing so falls overboardhimselfThe sailor in plain sight of the Anabaptist does nothing to help himEveryone on the ship drowns with the exception of the ungrateful sailor Pangloss andCandide who are able to float ashore on a plankThey get ashore and are still pulling seaweed out of their clothes when a massiveearthquake hits30000 people are killedThe sailor still a jerk steals money from the pockets of the dead in order to buy boozeand sleep with prostitutesCandide was injured in the earthquake Collapsed on the ground he believes he isdying and begs Pangloss to help himPangloss however wants to philosophize about how necessary the earthquake was inthis best of all worlds
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