Chapter 7 life.docx

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Family Relations and Human Development
FRHD 1010
Robin Milhausen

Chapter 7: Personal Relationships and Sexuality Communicating with others - Communication stems from a desire to know and a decision to tell - By opening up to others we increase our self-knowledge and understanding - Good communication skills &building relationships supports the social health dimension - Friendships &intimate relationships always demand emotional investment - Important to sharpen communication skills as a relationship evolves - Self-revelation is especially important for females while dating the opposite sex - Authenticity is very important for happiness and proper functioning of a relationship - Listening is an active process of trying to understand a person’s feelings and motivation - More than 90% of communication may be nonverbal - Most common: space/proximity, touch, eye contact, facial expression, gestures, posture, physical appearance, & para-verbal language (um, uh-huh, etc.). - Understanding nonverbal is one of the best tools for good communication in life, personal & professional; it’s one of the most practical skills you can develop - Nonverbal messages come from your own sense of self-esteem – very personal - People with good self-esteem & self-respect have a more relaxed way of talking and moving Forming relationships - Self-esteem provides a positive foundation for relationships - We can’t love or accept others until we love & accept ourselves, however imperfect we may be - People with lack of self-esteem… - Tend to seek friends/partners who are critical/rejecting &confirm their low opinion of themselves. - tend to have higher levels alcohol consumption, more sexual partners &risk taking behaviours - Friendship > the bond of society >transcends all boundaries of distance and differences - Friendships of adolescence/young adulthood are the closest; ease the transition to independence - Qualities in a good friend: honesty, acceptance, dependability, empathy &loyalty - Male/female friendships: unique problems such as distinguishing between friendship /romantic attraction, & dealing with sexual tension - Men benefit from friendship with women by getting support &nurturance. They like talking/relating with each other -Women enjoy the casualness, with more joking/less fear if hurt feelings & like gaining insight into what men really think - FWB (friends with benefits): no commitment for romance, provides comfort &trust. In these relationships, people often evaded clear relational rules. - Hooking up: sexual activity with a casual partner; may be a friend or stranger. - Common aspect: doesn’t involve commitment/exclusivity - Studies show sexual behaviour in college is much lower than perceived - Because of the difference in psycho social development, many young women find comfort in connection but fearful of separation, and many young men value independence and are hesitant to become attached. - Low condom use leading to higher levels of STIs; when untreated, causes women to become infertile - Internet dating raises issues of negotiation and trust. Many of the same problems as traditional dating - Dating teaches you how to converse with others, opportunity to share feelings/opinions/interests/ explore sexual identity - LDDR (long distance dating relationship): living apart for not less than 3 months and being 321 km away. 1 in 5 LLDR’s end. - Infidelity: defined in a broad way; any form of emotional or sexual intimacy with someone other than your primary partner, from flirtation to intercourse. - More excusable if the relationship was in trouble. The most common reaction to infidelity is jealousy. - Emotional infidelity is most upsetting in general for both genders (gay or straight) but especially so for heterosexual males. - Dating violence is common on college campuses – psychological most common - Most important reasons of attraction: warmth, kindness, desirable personality, something specific &reciprocal liking. - Signs of romantic love: longing for attention from the person, fear of rejection, mood swings, growth of passion, & intrusive thinking. st nd - Two “waves” of passion - 1 wave think of person 30% of the time. 2 wave think of person 100% of the time. Average life span of romantic attraction lasts about 2 years, secretive affairs a bit longer. Intimate Relationships - Intimacy: open, trusting, sharing of close confidential thoughts and feelings. Requires time &nurturing - Romantic love: intimacy and passion - Companionate love: intimacy and commitment - Fatuous love: passion and commitment - Sternberg’s Love Triangle: 3 components > Intimacy, commitment, passion. Consummate (mature) love requires all 3 (Pg 171 of textbook) - mature love in intimacy is unique, passion is sexual and psychological, commitment is based on personal values &ethics. - The person who ends a relationship feels greater guilt, uncertainty &discomfort than the rejected one, unless they have higher levels of jealousy. - People usually end their relationships due to dissatisfaction/unhappiness which may cause love to stop growing - Dr. Chapman’s five love languages: - Words of affirmation: verbal compliments, words of appreciation/that help someone feel loved - Quality time: focused and full attention, quality conversation and activities together - Giving gifts: purchased or handmade, being present for an event, a lasting tribute, etc. - Acts of service: housework, cooking dinner, anything your partner has asked you to do in past month - Physical touch: simple as touch on the shoulder or a hug, handholding, or passionate sex - If breaking up is on your mind, determine a different love language you/your partner may need - As relationships break down women usually feel fear and mean feel shame - cheap forgiveness: superficial and undeserved >often used to preserve a relationship - refusing to forgive: may make you feel in control, but often deepens regret &revenge - acceptance: when the person who hurt you can’t/won’t participate in healing. Self-care/opting for an incomplete relationship or no relationship. - genuine forgiveness: the person who’s hurt must all forgiveness, while the person who hurt the other must earn forgiveness or help the “hurt party” deal - Dysfunctional relationship: ones which do not promote healthy communication, honesty and intimacy - Occurs in all economic and social groups - In some cases, they use their partners as mood-altering drugs to make their life okay. - Begin to isolate themselves from eachother, friends, family - Symptoms like headaches, digestive troubles &inability to sleep >signs of destructive relationship - Emotional abuse: constant berating, belittling, and criticism. Reduces self-confidence, belief in ourself. -Signs of emotional abuse: - attempting to control various aspects of your life: what you say/wear -frequently humiliating you -wanting to know where you are: and who you’re with at all times -threating to harm you - trying to coerce you: into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable (i.e. unwanted sexual activity) Committed relationships -Monogamy: committed relationships with exclusive sexual involvement - social monogamy: perception of being monogamous by others - Serial monogamy: entering monogamous relationships one right after another - Open relationship: agree to sexual involvement outside their primary relationship - Polyamory: having more than more intimate relationships at a time when everyone has knowledge/consent - Cohabitation: common-law relationship - In Canada courts determine cohabitation (unmarried) with 7 factors: 1) Shelter: do they live together 2) Sexual and personal behaviour: do they maintain intimate/ interdependent relationship &are they perceived by others to do so? 3) Services: do they share traditional functions of a family? 4) Social: do they portray themselves as a couple to the outside world? 5) Societal: how are they treated by their community? 6) Children: do they see children as part of their home and interact parentally with each other’s children if there are any? - If partners have lived together for 12 consecutive months a division of CPP benefits can be attained - The same income-tax rules apply to married and unmarried couples of 12 months. - In Ontario, family law says you must cohabit for 3 years for common-law relationship status - Not long ago marriage was like a contract made by parents for economic/political reasons - Choice of marriage partners in Canada tends to be the norm. - 33% of first marriages end in divorce - Generally, men and women marry people from the same geographical location and from the same social background, but as society becomes more culturally diverse, interracial, cross-cultural and same sex marriage is becoming more common &accepted - Some studies show odds of failure for long term, racially/culturally blended relationships are higher - Crucial ingredients for commitment are: -shared values - willingness to change in response to each other - a willingness to tolerate flaws - a match in religious beliefs - and the ability to communicate effectively - There are scientific ways of predicting marital happiness; assessments that identify strengths &weaknesses - Common predictors of relationship discord, unhappiness, and separation are: high levels of arousal during a discussion, or defensive behaviours (making excuses/denial of responsibility) in disagreements Family Ties - Most Canadians form a “census” family – living with other people, usually spouse/partner/parent/child - Lone parents families have increased – lone father families rose twice as fast as lone-mother families - Less census family couples have children as 20 years ago - People in their 20s are delaying couple union, yet more young people are living common-law - 1 in 12 Canadians live in separate homes from their partners for work availability/family responsibilities - Same-sex, common-law couples increasing. More male same-sex common-law than female - Canada legalized same-sex marriage in 2005. Other countries: Belgium, Netherlands, Spain & U.S. - Quebec was the first province to include sexual orientation in its Human Rights Code What is Sexual and Gender Identity? - Sexual Identity: defined in two ways > biology, and self-identification perspective - Biology: begins at conception. All eggs are X, sperm are X or Y. XX = female, XY = male. - Gonads: testes in males, ovaries in females, 8 days after c
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