PSY 3123 Lecture Notes - Lecture 7: John Gottman, Love Lab, Gesture
28 Apr 2018
School
Department
Course
Professor
February 9, 2018
Friendship: The Key to Marriage and Parenthood
The Research and Interventions of Dr. John Gottman
Guest Lecture - Dr. Kathleen Lalande
The Love Lab
The University of Washington, Seattle
Wanted to study marriage in a systematic, rigorous way that had not previously been done
-John Gottman was the ļ¬rst research to study marriage with an empirical approach
-Filmed couples in an āapartmentā at the lab, did interviews
-Measured physiological measures (blood ļ¬ow, blood pressure, sweat, etc.)
-Longitudinal studies
Was able to predict divorce with 91% accuracy
How to Predict Divorce
It is not if you argue, it is how you argue
Harsh startup: go right into the conļ¬ict, start attacking your partner right away
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
-Criticism - harsh startup; never does any good
-Contempt: eye rolling, mocking, hostile humour, name calling
-Defensiveness
-Stonewalling: one partner feels overwhelmed and backs out of the conļ¬ict entirely
ā¢More common among men - get stressed more easily and tend to enter in ļ¬ght or ļ¬ight mode
ā¢Men tend to avoid conļ¬ict as much as possible
Flooding
Body language
Failed repair attempts
-Ex. Pat on back to be reassuring is met with āDonāt touch meā
Bad memories: focus on bad memories is a bad sign
NB: no beneļ¬t to talking it out late at night, better to sleep and discuss it in the morning
-If itās past 10pm, go to bed
-āDonāt go to bed angryā is a myth
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February 9, 2018
The Death Knell
You see your marital problems as severe
Talking things over seems useless
You start leading parallel lives
Loneliness sets in
A Better Way to Fight: A New Model for Resolving Conflict
Soften your startup
-Direct complaints devoid of criticism or contempt
ā¢Ex. Iām worried about our budget vs. Youāre bad with money
-Complain but donāt blame
-Make statements that start with āIā instead of āYouā
-Describe what is happening without judgment
-Be polite (as much as possible)
-Be appreciative
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
-Put the brakes on a bad interaction
ā¢Ex. Iām sorry, I donāt like how I started that. Can we try that again?
-I feelā¦
-I need to calm downā¦
Soothe yourself and each other
-Let your partner know that you are feeling ļ¬ooded
-Talk with one another about what can soothe you
Compromise
-Accept inļ¬uence from your partner
ā¢Easier for women than for men
-Find common ground - you can do this with pen and paper if need be
Be tolerant of each otherās faults
-Donāt get bogged down in the āif onlyāsā
NB: conļ¬ict is good - natural and helps you learn more about your partner
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