Ibiyemi Balogun Chapter 9 Dec 3 2012
Chapter 9: Interpersonal attraction “from first impressions to close relationships”
Forming close relationships:
Long term relationships are harder to examine scientifically than first impressions.
What is love?
Zick Rubin says feelings of intimacy, attachment, and passion, and argued that love
is a feeling distinct from liking.
Companionate vs passionate love
Passionate: felt giddiness, longing, joy and anxiety, a type of madness and irrational
obsessional feelings towards that person
-intense longing for another person
-sexual, hot and steaming
-when its good we are filled with ecstasy, when it bad we are filled with sad-
ness and pain
-obsessive thoughts about the loved one
-heightened psychological arousal (shortness of breath, heart thumping)
Companionate: feelings of intimacy and affection we feel toward someone with
whom our lives are deeply intertwined
-non sexual, close friendships
-sexual but not really passionate
Ordinary people’s definition of love: participants at UBC rated the definition of love
as being more companionate than passionate. Both sides are included although the
companionate kind of love is considered to be the essence of love.
Culture and love
how we experience and expect out of love depends on our culture
In Japan amae is a kind of passive love indulge like a mother child relationship
that vaguely translates to dependency which is seen as bad in western adult rela-
China, they talk about gan qing achieved by helping and working for another per-
son (fixing a bike)
Korea: Jung, what ties two people together, the more time you spend as well as
mutual interactions the stronger the Jung. It can also appear in negative relation-
Romantic love is valued more in individualistic societies VS Companionate love in
Collectivist care more for extended family than in individualistic
Chinese Canadian student dating a European Canadian may side with their par-
ents on this dislike while the european will side with the dater.
We all love but in different ways, in eastern cultures people wanna sacrifice their
loves for their family if needed.
Why do we love? Ibiyemi Balogun Chapter 9 Dec 3 2012
Psychologists will give you two reasons either its because of survival evolutionary
theories to pass your genes along or its because of your mother in terms of at-
Reproduction is hardwired in us because we want to pass our genes on for sur-
Due to the differences in reproductive roles and costs for women vs men there are
different behavioral patterns involved.
Women try to pair infrequently and with the right male while males try to pair
Explains why we love because women are looking for good men, with resources
and support for children because she has the high reproductive cost while men will
look for physical appearance, because the younger and healthier the likely they can
be reproductively successful.
Woman like resourceful men that are older or around their age
Men like looks and younger women
They all valued honesty, trustworthiness and pleasant personality.
Depending on short-term of long-term people want different things, short
term wise people look for physical attractiveness and long-term wise people
look for more endearing qualities.
Chances of marriage for women get lower with age and it’s the opposite for
men, chances get higher or stay the same.
Divorce more initiated by the woman because the man is not a good
People find this theory un- testable and therefore no good or it is known as an
oversimplification of extremely complicated human behavior. People also say that
men value physical appearance because they have been conditioned to over years
of advertising and media.
When women had money and power they based their relationships on physically
Attachment Styles and intimate relationships:
Our behavior in adult relationships is based on our experience as infants with our
parents and caregivers.
The kinds of bonds we form as infants influence the bonds we form as adults.
3 type of infant-mother relationships
Secure attachment style: caregivers are responsive to their needs and
show positive emotions when interacting with them. Trust their caregivers
and are not worried about abandonment as they see themselves as worthy
had satisfying relationships that had trust and the works
Resolved conflicts using active task-centered coping strategies
Avoidant attachment style: caregivers are aloof and distant, rebuffing
infant’s attempts to establish intimacy. They want to be close but they sup- Ibiyemi Balogun Chapter 9 Dec 3 2012
press it because they are scared of rejection. So they find it hard to get close
had unsatisfying relationships because people didn’t have trust
Passive avoidant strategies
Anxious/ambivalent attachment style: caregivers are inconsistent and
overbearing in their affection. So they don’t know how their caregiver is going
to react so they are extremely anxious about it. When they grow up they des-
perately seek closeness but experience mixed and conflicted feelings even
when they are in loving relationships.
had unsatisfying relationships because they were obsessive and pre-
occupied with their relationships, fearing their partner didn’t want to
be as intimate or close as desired.
Passive emotion-focused strategies were used to resolve conflict
Reported more conflict than their partner did
Greater distress during the interaction than participants who were
low in attachment anxiety.
Worry about rejection from their partner, people with insecure at-
tachment internalizes their experiences which lead to decrease in self
This fear of rejection stops them from forming relationships altogeth-
2 types of avoidant attachments styles:
Fearful avoidant style: consciously desire intimate relationships but
avoid them because they are afraid to trust others and worry that they will be
hurt if they allow themselves to become too close to another person, nega-
tive view of themselves and others, more distress than dismissive when it all
Dismissive avoidant style: they claim they don’t need close relationships
but prefer to be independent and self-sufficient. Positive view of themselves
but negative view of others.
Multiple attachment representations: You can have different attachment styles for
different relationships you have.
If you are overall a secure person then in your relationships you will be-
come secure at the end of the day. But it doesn’t go the other way meaning if
you are secure in one specific relationship on a overall level you will become
Better analyzed as schemas rather than as stable personality traits.
Maintaining Close Relationships
Social exchange th