Interpersonal Conflict Resolution
Emotions and Conflict
Emotions are omnipresent, how we communicate them shapes our dialogue and influence our success in the conflict
Emotions and Attributions:
o We often place a judgment on the other person’s intent when we hear emotion – towards the negative when
we are tired, stressed, vulnerable, etc.
Emotions of Dialogue
Everyone has an emotional footprint
o Family of origin
o Personality Anger!!
o Gender, culture
o Past experiences / social learning
o What we consider a normal response
o What we consider inappropriate
*Anger is from the adrenaline of injustice, fear, hurt, anger, etc.
Physiology of dialogue
physiology goes up
cognitive goes down
a really low physiology can limit cognitive
o we are looking for the capacity to be flexible with emotion
If emotionis greater than negative thought, action then helps to reinforce it
If EI isn’t there, you can’t manage the conflict well
Reflection to action
o Reflect what’s going on in your life / around you, go act on it
EI, Curiousity, and Learning Conversations
Openness to an alternate story
Identity – where my story comes from
o My reaction here has a lot to do with
o I think this subject hooks me because…
Impacts – how have I impacted the other?
o Take responsibility – your contribution
Own feelings, then describe them
o I’m anxious to bring this up because it is important to me
2 Rules of Interpersonal Dialogue
1. Your comments must seek to be kind (contributing a sense of goodness into the room - do not add to the problem)
2. Your comments must be honest. Interpersonal Conflict Resolution
6 Stage Model
1. What is going on here?
2. What have I contributed?
3. What are my interests...? Intent? Effect?
4. Do I want to arrange a conversation about this?
5. How am I getting hooked? What unhelpful us/them ways of thinking am I falling into?
6. Am I in the a, b or c position? Who/what are in the other positions? How many triangles are there?
2. Determine an appropriate time and place to meet
3. Name the purpose of the meeting (to yourself and them)
4. Prepare for the meeting (style, process...)
2. Open the Conversation
1. Name the purpose of your conversation (identify your intent for the meeting)
2. Option: Name outcome goals (of both parties), ideally stated positively.
3. Hear each other’s stories
1. Ask the other person to tell you their side of the story. Listen w/ curiousity & an open spirit. Always assume
you need to hear them out fully first (except when this doesn’t make sense.)
2. Tell your “story.”
3. Based on the two stories, identify the key problems you need to address together (i.e. try to be problem
focused not person focused)
4. Seek to understand what is behind the problem
1. Ask open-ended questions to get at the interests, intent, effects... usually of the other person first
2. Disclose your own interests, effects
3. Use open-ended and/or clarifying questions
4. Take responsibility for your contribution